Friday, April 9, 2010

Psych tests for all presidential candidates

Comelec just issued a new ruling---all candidates should take a fitness test--both physical and mental. They all went to the Ateneo, all lined up.

JC de los Reyes was the first one. He passed the physical and mental tests with flying colors.

Doctor: " This will probably jack your ratings up. You have such a strong stamina and you're thinking straight, except that one thing.."

JC: " What's it doc?"

Doctor: " You want everybody to read your SAL and BIR...that's not what ordinary people think.Next!"

Former president Joseph Estrada followed. Doctor examined him, took some blood tests, made him run the treadmill and asked him some questions..

Erap: " Doc, okey na ba ako?"
Doctor: " Okey na okey ka pa. You can still run the distance. Puwde ka pa ngang magka-anak."
Erap: " Good (glancing over at his spokesperson, with a naughty smile on his face. Napalunok si spokesperson)"
Doctor: " Kaya lang me problema."
Erap: "What doc?"
Doctor: " Galit ka pa din ke tabako, gusto mo pa ring kasuhan yung matanda. I just got a call from him. Sabi niya, ibagsak daw kita. Kaya kahit manalo ka, gamitin nila itong diagnosis ko para makudeta ka ulit. Kaya, kung ako sa iyo, wag ka nang mangampanya. Next!"

Gibo Teodoro followed. Like Erap, Gibo underwent all tests, including the psych test.

Gibo: " I'm sure naman doc, I passed this one with flying colors. I'm the youngest, the brightest and the most handsome of all candidates!"
Doc: " You're right. Pero, me problema Gibo, and I hope you understand."
Gibo: " Ano yun doc, baka pwdeng masolusyunan."
Doc: " You're seemed obsessed with Gloria. Up to now, kahit nilait lait ka na, niyurakan ang pagkatao mo, pinagsabihan lahat ng ka tropa nila na wag mangampanya sa iyo, pilit ka pa din. Di gawain ng matinong tao yan. You need additional consultations with our psychiatry department. Next!"

Jamby Madrigal follows but since she's not really a very serious contender, the doctor just took a glance and signed her papers, PASSED. Doctor also did that to Richard Gordon (yet the doctor found some anomaly--his mouth is always open or gaped open. Signs of ? Anyway, doctor signed his papers but asked him to go to the Psych clinic. Same goes to Nicanor Perlas)

Then Manny Villar followed, complete with banda, a retinue of stars led by Willie Revillame, his sexy dancers, and Manny Pacquiao.

Manny P: (whispering to doctor) Doc, pag hindi niyo ipinasa yang kumpadre ko, alam ninyo na gagawin ko (showing him his clenched fist)"

Doc: " Let's see (sweating)"

Willie: " Doc, inyo na itong isa o lahat sa mga dancers ko, ipasa ninyo lang si Villar."

Doc: " (lumunok) They sure look yummy...but let's see."

Manny underwent all tests, including the psych test. The final analysis is in.

Manny V: "(shadow boxing) O, ano doc, pasado ba ako? Kita ninyo naman, kumpara ke Erap, ala akong sore knee. Kung kay Gibo naman, di naman ako obsessed ke Gloria (doc frowned). At kung ke Jamby lang naman, mas di hamak, matino ako at mas mayaman. Mas malaki lupa ko sa kanya. Ke JC? Don't bother. Kung ke Gordon naman, my golay!"

Doc: " You look fine naman eh...except, and I hope you don't mind, Manny."

Manny V: " Ano yun doc?"

Doc: " Recent tests show that you have a manic compulsive disorder. Kapagka nakakakita ka ng lupa, iniisip mong angkinin. Kapagka nakakakita ka ng bundok, gusto mo, patayuan mo agad ng subdivision. Kapagka may road project, gusto mo dadaan sa sabdibisyon mo. These are not how ordinary people think...more consultations for you to cure that...Next!"

Then, lastly, Noynoy Aquino entered the room. No one accompanied him. He just went there alone.

Doctor ran all tests for Noynoy.

Doc: " Mr. Aquino, you seemed fine. You look fine, except for your gait. Your smoking, okey lang yan except na dapat medyo toned down mo na. But we found one small thing po eh."

Noynoy: " Ano yun doc?"

Doc: " Curious lang kami, bakit hindi ka pa nag-aasawa? At bakit malakas appeal mo sa mga batang babae? Congrats nga pala, you have a very fine girlfriend."

Noynoy: " Simple lang ang answer nyan doc."

Doc: " What? Tell us."

Noynoy: " Well, gusto kasi ng mga babae, meron silang boyfriend na virgin pa."